Death comes easy :O

I've seen patients whom I knew were going to die and I've seen patients who died after I was in contact with them, but yesterday  , I saw, for the first time, a patient die in front of me. I'm not much of an emotional person, but I thought that it would affect me more. Instead, it felt like nothing. I suppose it could have been the fact that I never got to know the patient (she had been in cardiac arrest for a while before I saw her) or that it was pretty busy in the room with people performing multiple procedures and shouting various orders or that no one else seemed especially moved. Maybe I was too concerned with not messing up the small part we were  given to save this person's life. Either way, I suppose a certain amount of detachment is necessary to efficiently (and rationally) treat the patient. I just didn't think that I would reach that state of detachment without even trying. 

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini  :) 

My Theories :)

Theory : If you've hit rock bottom and you bounce back, your relationship is for keeps.
Explanation : Well, take any relationship for example. Doesn't have to be a romantic one. Just any. So imagine you've hit rock bottom, so the fights have gotten crazy, and one or both of you has done something completely horrible and forgiveness is an obvious no, but then somehow, you manage to bounce back, and you're friends again. This tells you that come what may, this relationship will last. There are people in this world who will leave you at any opportunity they get, but then there are also people who have every reason to bail on you but they don't.


Theory : 2 hot people can't co exist. Sorry.
Explanation : Call me bitchy, but a relationship between 2 people who're both gorgeous to look at CANNOT WORK. They'll both probably be up to *here* with their ego, and neither of them will want to give in. No, sorry. Can't work. 2 ugly people can work fantastically, hell I've seen it happen. One ugly, one hot = PERFECT MATCH. [ Yes, I've got hope! :D]


Theory : The little things matter, but not as much as the big things.
Explanation : Okay seriously. We're all about the whole ' Oh, the little things' because we're so miserable about the big things not existing. Everyone loves big gestures, and when they don't have any example to live by, the concentrate on the little things to make themselves feel better.


Theory: You're hated, feel important!
Explanation : It takes a LOT of energy to be hated. A LOT. So if someone is spending all that energy that could've been used to do something a LOT more productive to hate you, feel important :)

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini ! 

How Soooo "NOT" to treat your students...............

I'm currently  working  with an attending who completely ignored my presence. Not too unusual in med school. But,I got pretty upset when the attending respond  to every question I asked by turning to the resident and replying to him. He didn't want to stoop so low as to talk to a med student. Arrogant ass. 

I wish he can only read this post :x

Sealed WITHOUT the KISS ...Nandini !!

Pimping... us Poor Med Students

The art of Pimping: pimping occurs when an attending physician (the Pimper) poses a series of difficult questions to a resident or medical student (the Pimpee).

Pimping usually occurs in settings such as “morning report” or “attending rounds,” in which trainees at various levels convene with a faculty member to review patients currently under their care.

So what is the cure?

• Avoidance, Do not have visual contact with the teacher
• The Muffin, the pimpee holds a large muffin in the dominant hand with the elbow flexed, and slowly makes motions with the elbow that move the muffin toward and away from the mouth, somewhat like the graphical lines representing the attitudes of focus group
  members used by television networks while watching the recent presidential debates (ie, closer to the mouth if the pimpee does not know the answer, further if he or she does)
• The Hostile Response, respond in a hostile fashion, both with the tone of voice and body language. Most pimpers don’t like taht and refrain from further questioning at that instance and near future
• The Pimpee should just repeat the response given by a previous respondent and pretend he or she did not hear it
• Honorable Surrender, tell the pimper you are uncomfortable
• Pimp Back, pimpers usually do not like to be pimped so be careful
• The Politician’s Approach, do not answer the question that the attending asked but talk straight to the audience (ie, ignore the pimper) by answering a question you would have preferred being asked
• Pimpers might avoid students with visible PDAs because they know these students can pimp back
• Do Not Sulk/Cry, pimpees who answer incorrectly should not become overly discouraged. Pimpers rarely remember students who give wrong answers (especially to difficult questions); they often remember those who lose their composure

This article also has advice for pimpers but they can find out themselves, besides they are the one’s abusing their position.The lesson is to not take pimping too seriously and remember that often more can be learned from incorrect answers than from correct ones.

Sealed with a kiss be Nandini !

Dear Best Friend,

I have always wanted to tell you that I feel really lucky to have you as friend. I like it when you remember each and every little thing about me. You're the first one to wish me on my b'day every year since the time we've known each other.I like how you share each and every secret of yours with me that aren't known even to your special friend . I like it when you try to advice me, telling me to be strong  and practical, even though you yourself are so soft-hearted . I  feel so good when I ask you for a favor and you do much more than what I asked you for.I have never felt  so much comfortable with anyone as I am with you because you have always accepted me as I am- with my strengths and weaknesses-you've seen the worst side of me as well.

The most amazing thing about our friendship is whenever I am sad, you are always the first one to realize it.I don't know how you do this( if it's some telepathy or something) . You truly are one of my strengths. Even though you are hundreds of miles away from me, still you've never forgotten me.  I hope our friendship  keep on strengthening in the years to come. 

Sealed with a kiss Nandini !

Nasty Post ...

So many things happening at the same time. My head,  my heart and my body just cannot take it right now.

I am stressed... naah! over-stressed... :| 

Things are just not falling into place all of a sudden... I feel over-burdened...pressed for time.. .weird...cranky..

The people I thought will understand me are acting so weird... I really can't recognize this...

Another thing is : I hate it when someone tries to be all mahaan with me and make me feel that I crib to them subah shaam and they are sweet souls who just listen to me coz they are forced to.

I did try to share some part of my life with people, tried to open up to some friends... But like I have been saying always.. this is BULLSHIT.

Everyone wants to share your happiness or be with you when you are all happy, funny and pepped up... Nobody cares for you when you are down and low..I KNOW THAT..

I am not going to trouble you with any shit anymore... if I ever did.. and you think I did... 

Let us share only happy stuff.. let us be happy happy frenz... coz it is better to know that you will not be there from the very beginning.

I am stupid!! I should not have even tried to talk about myself...

Bloody, no one gives a shit.. No one really does..

Yes! I know everyone has problems...I know everyone faces tough times.. and I am not comparing your problem to mine.. or mine to yours... May be I am not tough enuff for mine... and you are great enough for urs.... but let's get it straight... I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT MYSELF ever again to any so called friend...

Coz, bullshit.. no one cares...

Dah! I am too nasty... am I not? *shrugs* Disown me!! I don't care... 

I'd rather be alone than suffer time n again... *Hibernates*

Hate me for this!

 

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini!

selfish Sun...........

I'm a little like the Sun, I do think the world revolves around me, but I think I'm not as utterly selfish as that sounds. It's simple, I only  see the world through my own eyes, the people in my life are the only people I believe to be significant& to truly have some real importance to my own well-being& happiness- I do genuinely care about the world& its' inhabitants, it's just that the present moment matters a tiny bit more.

I've been told countless times that I'm selfish& I believe that the world revolves around my existence, I've just stopped fighting it& think that because my attention is focused on fewer matters, I can concentrate in a more purposeful manner.

  

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini !

 

Soulmate ...

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

Seal with a kiss by Nandini !

The Good, The Bad and Me the Boss !!

I like digging inside myself, and try to find out what’s inside of me. This is my favourite pastime. What I see is a reflection of the places I have passed, and times I have been through. I love myself when I’m happy, and hate myself when I’m. Also makes me realize that I’m a bigtime “Hypocrite”. Oh, by that word, I remember, it’s kind of over used these days. This reminds me, the Good and the Bad in me had this engrossing conversation the other day.

I thought I enlighten you with some of it…

1.The Good: “You are a hypocrite”

The Bad: “So what, everyone is, you are a hypocrite too… Even though I don’t like judging people, still, you are a hypocrite too…”

2. The Good: “Politicians are hypocrites”

The Bad “If you make money in your profession it’s ok, if the politicians become the best in their “business”, you “hypocrite” them… Not fair.”

3. The Good: “Sadhu baba on TV is a hypocrite”

The Bad: “Poor Sadhu baba was too engrossed with divine objects, and fantasized about apsaras in heaven. Obviously he didn’t have any time to study, and poor soul couldn’t get a job, neither would anyone marry a gross bearded man like him, so INDIA TV to the rescue, we all lived happily ever since…”

4. The Good:   Or like ...“The Professor who stands infront of the ladies hostel gate and slaps all the boys who try doing the same, is a hypocrite”

The Bad: “Come on, have some respect for your own professor. He is old now, his wife is beyond menopause now, and she ain’t attractive no more, he plays with metamorphic rocks all day with students, imagine his life.... He is just feeding his fantasies for one last time, and you are not supposed to disturb the old man.”

5. The Good: in Indian colleges  “1^st year students protesting against ragging, and next year doing it themselves, are all bloody hypocrites”

The Bad: “Hey come on, you have to save your ass whenever you can. No one likes getting beat up, but when it comes to beating a defenseless kid; it doesn’t hurt you, does it? And just because you didn’t have the balls to hit juniors doesn’t mean they’ll be a pansy like you are…”

6. The Good: “People calling other people ‘despo’, when they themselves are worse than that, are hypocrites”

The Bad: “Oh, you got that ‘despo’ tag, didn’t you? Ah, that must have hurt… Just because you write a blog about how a girl ditched you, doesn’t take away the embarrassment. Poor you… “

7. The Good: “People getting pissed at my blog, because there’s too much truth involved, are hypocrites”

The Bad: “ Everyone can’t handle the truth, we are all humans. And you don’t always have to be right, you are a hypocrite too, remember?”

The Good: “Oh ya, sorry, I almost forgot…”

8. The Good: “Media people showing a girl getting molested, and cribbing about it, are hypocrites”

The Bad: “Look at it from their point of view. The media person’s livelihood depends on the TRPs, the ads… And anyways, it makes great reality TV. And if you’r so concerned about her, why don’t you SMS your deep regrets to 56789, or you can twitter: #RT @cnn  justice for molested girl”

9. The Good: “People with Red flags, stopping people from going to work, are hypocrites”

The Bad: “C’mon, imagine you being a part of a group, and you have no job. Suddenly someone offers you free lunch for raising havoc, would you refuse the offer? It’s an offer you can’t refuse. If you are too lazy to work, you must not allow anyone else to work and tread the path of development. Get it?”

10. The Good: “People killing people, in the name of something-that-does-not-exist, are hypocrites”…

The Bad: “Hey C’mon, something-that-does-not-exist??? You mean God??? You must not make fun of him, or else he will punish you (Even though he teaches to forgive n forget).

Listen dude, you got to kill some innocent people in order to catch people’s attention. People must know how important God is in our lives, and even though some souls are unfortunate enough to lose their lives, you must always remember, God is watching us, and HE LOVES YOU…”

The Good: “Oh God, oops, I mean, Oh “Something-that-does-not-exist”, this could go on and on…”

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini !

Gawd! 23?

Well,  my 23rd birthday is today. 23, damn it!! Okay ( *sigh*), please don't take me wrong here, but, 23!! Ain't that old?? I mean, it's the beginning of the downhill journey as far as health is concerned as they say. It's the beginning of laugh lines and wrinkles and black spots and pains in the asses (read: responsibilities, real-grown-up behavior) and the end of -"I'm just a twenteens -I'm supposed to be like this" or "I can't concentrate on my studies because I'm suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), you see..which is a pretty common  problem. Absolutely normal." - excuses, stuff toys and  as birthday presents (Seriously, I'm so not gonna miss that one!) and lame jokes.

Now, that is why I never wanted to turn 23!! Because after 23 comes 25, then 30 and then 35!!
OMG! Almost 4-5 years from now, I might even be married!

Anyway, it's not something I can change, right? So, here are things that I want to change about me (with effect from my 23rd birthday):

1. I will finish my work on time: Remember when you were small, in 5th grade and you purposefully forgot to finish your home-work and your teacher made you write this line with your tiny little hands over 100 times? Well, my teacher left long ago. But she left a substitute - the scruples of my conscience. So, I'm going to do everything I know I should do, and yet, I don't because I kinda get  lazy and I'll do everything on time.

2. Lessen the amount of cribbing : Okay..I mean..I'll try. Really, I will.

3. Waste lesser time on the internet: Of course, this is subject to T&C (Read: This applies only when I'm not depressed and have better things to do).

4. Ah, whatever!: Okay, I'm really tired of listing this now!

 

Sealed with a  kiss by Nandini !!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANDINI :)

Dear Nandini

Nobody forgets nanu even if he/she has met nanu only once.She has the most beautiful smile and thats her magic.

Its your birthday today nanu :)

You have been my inspiration.the way you have faced life despite all the problems you have faced in the past year ,you have stood high all of them.

Even if i could have  1% of the will power and strength you have,i ll most luckiest person on this earth.This girl is bindas.Thank you for making me a part of your life.

On behalf of everyone who knows you I wish  heartiest birthday wishes nanu :)

I wish all your dreams all your wishes come true this year.(and god owe's them to you :P)

Please keep that beautiful smile on your face all the time. :))

God Bless you nanu :)

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY ONCE AGAIN !!

Guest post :Ankit Singh

please seal it with your kiss :P

The serial Twitter !!!

Women have this extra ordinary capacity to take in minute details of as many as 10 clients in a single day. The capacity to lend an ear to each one of them and give focused attention while not neglecting any household work surprises me. And the fact that they attend these clients between 7 pm and 11:30 pm is incomparable. Okay..Yes, It's about the daily sops. But I tell you this is no mean feat.

I was just wondering how an advanced serial addict would use her twitter account :

7:12 pm - Kanika ropes in experienced truck driver to kill her husband's ex-love.
7:47 pm - Thakur banishes his son for falling in love with a BPL(Below poverty line) girl.
8:13 pm - Manav divorces archana to save his friend's brother's cousin in law's marriage.
8:37 pm - Laali bribes doctor who forgot to take the hippocratic oath to produce a false pregnancy report.
9:04 pm - Abha turns out to be an aakand saubhagyavati forever .
9:49 pm - Shashtriji curses vaishali for mixing poison in her mother in law's milk.
10:21 pm - Mukhiyaji locks up his daughter in the room for reasons to be declared soon.
10:42 pm - mihir supposedly killed for the last 2 seasons returns as a memory lost fisherman
11:17 pm - Anandi's lighted candle(Read 'diya') which signified the life of her husband was put off due to heavy wind and a possible danger to his life.
11:35 pm - There is so much of evil in this world. Let us sleep ourselves to peace. R.I.P to all the serial victims who lost their lives today. Good bye Tweepalikas !!

Like someone said - Anyone who disturbs midway through the serial is called a serial killer !!!

P.S : This post is not to be generalised. Negative Assumptions are not to be made. Strictly for Fun (Read Truth !!!)

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini !

Vikas Tere Liye :)

When you are very close to some one, his/her Birthday feels like yours. You start getting excited like as if it's your Birthday and why not?? closest pals mean so much to me . The day she/he came on earth would be one of the special day to celebrate.

Today is my Best friend Vikas's Birthday. Warmest regards to you  dude.

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIKAS!!!

Happy birthday my best friend,

Amazing times, we always spend.

Laughter and jokes are common place,

Since we built that solid base.

Special friend that I hold dear,

Always wish to have you near.

We get along, like bread with honey,

A friendship worth, much more than money.

If you stumble, count me there,

Gratitude; no need to declare.

Your thoughts are clear, in my mind,

Understanding we always find.

Happy birthday my best friend,

I’m excited to attend.

This birthday poem, is just for you,

A great big smile is overdue.

Please keep in touch no matter where you are.

You mean a world to me,

Happy Happy Birthday.

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini !!

Nothing doing.

It feels so wonderful. So very wonderful. Right now, its the best feeling in the world!!!

:)

No It's not  love!
:|

I'm me so my idea of the most wonderful feeling right now for me is the pleasure I get out of doing nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I've spent the entire weekend  with my Dad. I haven't done anything useful thing and yet I'm not bored.[not that I'm ever :P Weird.!!!!

All those weekends when I had exams, on call  , test . I'd spend the weekend doing nothing.

So I'm feeling so very happy for not utilizing my weekend. Yaaay me!!! I wanted to watch a movie  with Dad to celebrate but things never goes my way , so we didn't end up not going :(   Something like this just has to happen.

I'm back to writing senseless posts again. :) 

I also want to do some proper writing for my blog. I realised that when I kept feeling that nobody is writing properly around me, my very own blog is dying out here.

I'll write. Pakka.

But till then, Lemme go do something stupid and useless.

Its such a phenomenal feeling I tell you. The feeling that you have done nothing.:P 

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini !!

Everythig Me!

OK, so I've been thinking that since this is my blog,
ne1 interested in readin it wud also be interested in
knowing everything about me. So here goes guys-

 Shoe Size- Large enough to cover my foot
(Exact Fit- 7 1/2, Comfortable Fit-8)

Facial Features-
1) More or less human-like.
2) Two Eyes, brown colored, maximum known length-1.2cm
maximum known width- 0.47 cm
3) One nose of length 5.3cm
4) Two exactly same sized deflated nostrils of
diameter 0.6 cm often used to allow passage of
air from outside as well as the other way round
5) 2 lips, somewhat  pink in color, mainly used to
Open the entry gate for substances possessing
  nutrients and energy or simply stuff that appeals
taste buds
6) 2 symmetrically pointed ears With spiral openings
often used to receive sound waves at the compatible
frequency and specializing in production of wax.
7) 992000213123 long dark brown thread like projections from
the rooftop .

8) A 2.5 X 5 cm barren forehead often mutating into a rippled
structure when inner organs are put under stress or
tension
9) Two 1.5 cm long symmetrical eyebrows just above the eyes.

Known Expressions-

Angry,Disgusted,Proud,Happy,Sick,Shocked,Scared [ very rarely], and many more :) 

Hairstyle-
No fixed style, often changing with the surroundings and mood. Mostly, no devices named "comb" are not brought into use for most of the time :) 

Height- Tall enough to be allowed go-carting :)

Weight- Light enough for the weighing machine to bear:)

Strength- umm...let's call me invincible nanu:)

Total no. of-
1) Fingers-8
2) Toes- 8
3) Thumbs- 2
4) Toe Thumbs- 2
5) Feet- 2
6) Hands- 2

I think that's more than enough information about me!!!

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini !

Note To Self

You’re happy. You’re not judgmental. You don’t bitch, you don’t judge. You sit down and judge people. You strip them down. You think hard. This, that, what. Your thoughts become a documentary. You give them names. A is a pessimist. B is a sycophant. There is something fishy about C. D irritates you. E is an ignorant selfish fool. Hey! Rewind! I owe E. Thoughts cross the mind. Mind crosses the thoughts. E is an ignorant selfish fool. Hah! F is awesome. Forward! Why did F do that? I hate F. F is awesome. It’s all indelible. Black ink. The ink was the expectation? I look awesome. Hey, you look weird! Shoo! I look awesome (Shit, I look weird?). That dude there is hot. I’m not staring at the hot guy. Dude, see that guy? Oh, that one? he’s OK. I hate when people call me. Why is nobody calling me? I carry my phone everywhere. Sorry, my phone was in the other room. Shit, am I busy? I have nothing to do. I don’t have the time. What do I do with this time? I’m funny. God, he’s funny! Don’t laugh. I’m funny. How can you wear that? (Oh. Now that’s comfortable) How can you wear that? (Shit, it looks OK) How can you wear that? I don’t remember your name, :O, I don’t have your number.Ohh yes , I have it.
Stop expecting perfection  every-time

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini!
.

Kabhi khud pe hassi main aur kabhi khud pe royi!!!

You think you are the best. You think you're just the way one ought to be. Just the way you want to be. The one with principles and ideals and things like that. The one untouched by worldly pleasures. (Okay..ye nahi but still I like saying this :D) The most intelligent. The flawless. The perfect one. Not like the others. The others are mad people. Mad but cute, happy and lovable. =) =) Ahem.....mad, nonetheless.

THEN, all of a sudden, you go mad. Why? Because you start living in the moment and just enjoying stuff without thinking of consequences and all that blah. You say what you want to, you do what you want to and exit stage. Simple. Things that regular people do. Normal stuff. You throw away your rulebooks and become impulsive and reckless and start doing things totally Dil Se. Yeah ....

And then, you REALIZE that you've gone mad and go ahead and acknowledge it to yourself. The time has come for the world to end people..the time has come, I tell ya.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!



P.S. - The good thing about this is that you still haven't gone completely mad. Yeah, that's a good thing. You're still fair, unselfish and good. That's what matters. The most. :-D 

Sealed with  Kiss by Nandini !

My current worry is textaphrenia.

What is textaphrenia?

Textaphrenia is thinking a message had arrived when it hadn't, while textiety is the anxious feeling of not receiving or sending text messages.

"With textaphrenia and textiety there's a feeling no one loves me, no one's contacted me," the Daily Telegraph quoted a girl as saying.

When I am with a couple of friends, it's fine. I don't check my phone at all. But if I'm alone, I check for texts every 5 minutes (because my phone is always on silent, non vibration). I know it is sickening.

I'm SO addicted. Sigh. Chocolate was easier to give up!! Not a good sign at all. I feel I'm calling cancer when I talk on the phone for hours.

You want to know what is worse?

I fully use it even in Hospital :O

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini !

I've Learned ...

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it
seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things:a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. 
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. 
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. 
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to feel shame of feeling ill again.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someones life , People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Sealed with  kiss  by Nandini !

H-O-T

Do you feel a certain restlessness ? maybe breathlessness coupled with butterflies in your stomach,which ultimately makes you see small small stars and countless planets in front of your eyes?
Don't worry it isn't that usual confluence of emotions called LOVE , you're just getting a heat stroke.

If you never knew the meaning of feeling HOT, well now you know it. At least I do :|

My feet and hands have been charcolized and I don't even live in the Africa .... wondering if that would make me candidate enough to be a penguin in my next reincarnation. Sigh!

You know the heat has got to you when you cant think about anything other than it.
your thoughts go like : "Oh No! Its so shine-ly sunny outside" or" Man! Can't bear to step outside  even for the  exam I have to give" or "Where's my chata , where's my chata"[ jo mere pass kabhi thaa he naii ]

Even people like me who always believed that SUN is really a very good source of Vitamin D have been taken down.I dont know if SPF's even work, but I sure need a LCD screen.And then amidst all this hotness, I've still   have to go  out side, forgetting  about the omnipresent yellow-ness,  

So stay cool my Friends I have little more then 4 weeks to go from here! after that I'll be in Normal-Land :) 
Enthused by reactions of friends and family here is my perfect recipe for cold coffee:-

For 2 glasses :-

Pour in a Mixer/ Shaker

7-8 cubes of ice
4 teaspoons of coffee 
2 teaspoons of sugar
1/2 glass of cold water
lil less than 1 full glass of milk

Mix/shake as long as u don't hear the ice getting crushed. and Viola! Its ready :)"

tip 1: to save your mixie from damage, you can crush the ice before putting it in.
tip 2: never ever and swear to god use those ghastly instant cold coffee pouches!!

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini !

Scream Enough and You’ll get what you Want...

The other day I was about to discharge a psych patient who had been signed out to me from the night before. The psychiatrist had evaluated a woman with a long history of cocaine and ETOH abuse who had come in seeking psych admission. It was evident to the doctor that the patient was just “wanting a place to stay” because she did not like staying with her sister any more. She denied suicidal ideation and had never had a history of self injury. Thus, he told me I could discharge her. Great. No prob.

Five minutes later all hell broke loose. The woman absolutely refused to leave and threw everything around in her room. She screamed curses at us and spat on the floor. She capped off this tantrum with a loud proclamation – “God Dammit, I am gonna KILL MYSELF if you don’t admit me!!!! To me, this was obvious bull shit and I was ready to call the police to escort her out, but alas, my spineless psychiatric Doctor  had no such balls. He broke down after 10 minutes and admitted her for hotel room accommodations at taxpayer expense because of her threats. Of course I found out that two days later, after the long weekend, she signed herself out of the hospital, evidently convincing the psychiatrist on call that day that she was not suicidal after all. What a surprise.

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini !

Got 10 Minutes to Run and Get Something to Eat? Think Again.

It really sucks when it is so busy that you don’t get a chance to eat for 8-10 hours. I am not counting poaching a Jello cup from the patient refrigerator – I mean able to sit down for 10 or 15 min and eat some left overs from the night before or some semi-edible grub from the cafeteria. You basically wait til you see the opportunity (like a short track speed skater waiting to make a pass) and then seize it. You suddenly realise everyone is on a holding pattern no one needs to be seen right away. Off you go. You decide to rush off to the cafeteria and hopefully there is something there that is not totally laden with fat and sodium that actually tastes good. You stand in line anxiously awaiting your turn to pay so you can scarf down that pasta  thing. Unfortunately fate can be cruel. You may get  call back to report to the station or  there may be several elderly people in front of you taking a million years to count out pennies to pay for their Boston Creme Pie, You may have forgotten money yourself. Or worse, the person in front of you may suddenly get lightheaded and syncopise right there in the check out line. You will then have to abandon your anticipated nourishing behaviour and put your food down. You will have to run the rapid response call right there in front of the register while everyone gawks. You will have to help put the person on the stretcher and then accompany them over to the ER. Alas, they will be your next patient and you will remain hungry.

Sealed with  kiss by Nandini !

I'm Afraid .

I'm afraid of giving up 

giving in

and letting go,

I'm afraid of the ticking clock 

passing time 

and missed opportunities,

I'm afraid of my own emotion

unstable as I

such a foolish mess,

I'm afraid of lost control 

lost sanity 

and loss of life 

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini ! 

I love you. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, Dad

I have spent twenty two years of my life under the protection and love of my personal angel, an angel who rejoiced when he first held my hand, and an angel who witnessed every phase of my life and recorded it in his most special memories. My angel, my idol, my first love – My FATHER.
I don’t remember when I first called him papa. But I know he remembers even the minutest details of that moment. He didn’t let me hold to people till I was almost one year old as he says, I was only his. A gift of god, he refused to share with anyone. He is as bit as possessive about me still.

Well one of my few memories of my childhood includes sleeping on dad’s chest. Every night when he used to come from the hospital, I used to cuddle up in his lap until I was asleep. I used to go to him crying in the night when my brother used to scare me to wits. And how my brother used to get so many scolding for it.

It’s weird how time flies. We have this walnut closet enclosing our TV. During my toddler days, my hand would never reach the handle of the closet, so I had to ask dad to open it for me whenever I wanted to see TV. My dad always used to tell me one thing “Nanu! Don’t you dare grow up.” Since then that cupboard became the indicator of my growth. And today, I can easily reach the handle. Dad keeps telling me annoyingly, “I had told you not to grow up na? You didn’t listen to me”

Yes, I wish I were the same little girl. I know in his mind I still am, but I grew up. I wish I could still cuddle into his lap and dream away into the world of fairies. I wish I was daddy’s little princess again.

We went for a trip to Switzerland, just dad and me. Dad said to me there “Nandini, you know you are my biggest weakness. You are even important to me more than my own life. I am so happy, that I could show my daughter the world. This has been one of my best trips”

I am the weakness of my father. And my father is mine.

So, here is a little message for you dad.

I am not the perfect daughter you wanted. But you have been the best father. I have troubled you hurt you in ways unforgivable. But still you keep lavishing your unconditional love on me. Will my saying thank you suffice? No, that would not even be close to it.

You gave me the best of the world,   I gave you tears but still you call me your lucky girl. I wonder will ever be able to repay you in this lifetime. I don’t think I ever can.

You have spent sleepless nights when I have fallen ill. You have squeezed my hand every time I am in pain. I am hurt and so are you. My every problems, every surgery has pained you in the same way as they used to hurt me. I can’t understand the bond we share, maybe I won’t till I am a parent myself.

I love you dad.  I love you more than anything in this world. It kills me to hurt you every time I'm not well . I wish I hadn’t and if given a chance I would go back in time and erase every moment that has ever pained  you.

I know I can’t reach the depth of your love, nor can I love you in the manner you love me. But I promise dad, one day you would be proud to be my father. In the same way, as I am proud to be your daughter.

I am left with few years at home with you. I will get married and go to an unknown place. I don’t know dad if I will be able to adjust. Will anyone give me as much love as you did? Will anyone give me love even when I make a mistake? Will I be any ones princess there? I know the answer is a NO. No one can love me the way you do. So I will miss you, every moment, every second of my life.

Dad, I can’t imagine a life without you in it. Please stay with me, as long as it takes. If I could, I would give you my lifeline even. I love you. I will always.

I pray to god that he gives you a great health. May I always be blessed with your presence in my life. Thank you God, for giving me my angel. Thank you, Dad for being one.

Sealed with a kiss by Nandini !